Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
