I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
