apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
