she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Randomize
