i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Operation Purity has been aborted
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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