Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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