no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
