I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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