Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
