went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
