we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Randomize
