Im at strip club and am horny
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Randomize
