I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize