he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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