my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Found the puke drawer
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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