I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
