If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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