you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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