Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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