The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just gift wrapped bread.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
