i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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