Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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