I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize