good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
