So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
