I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
