Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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