I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
