forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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