Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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