Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
It's shark week go big or go home
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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