I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
