I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
