i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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