i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
