And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
this hospital has no fireball
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
