God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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