so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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