Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
