you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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