I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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