Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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