What tipped you off? The sombrero?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
