Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
