you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
