when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
