I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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