i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
