did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize