In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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