I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize