he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
PANTIES FOUND
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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