Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
