i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
