I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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