I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
