I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
