My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
