Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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