the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
