That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
