So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
