I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
