I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Randomize