I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
